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Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/19/2010 7:19:40 AM
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cbath5
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My question is simple and would like thoughts from both men and women. The story in a nutshell is, I have been married for close to 21 years to the only man I have ever dated. I'm happy and love him with everything in me. I did go through a period of resentment and rebellion last year and quit praying for myself, my marriage and my family for selfish reasons. (I became tired and discouraged because of praying for them and their walk with Christ and told myself forget it, if they want to live like they are then so be it. If they don't care, then why should I) God and I did work it out or I should say God dealt with my heart and I poured out my heart and true feeling (no need to lie is it) and when I became real with God he became real to me. So I said that to let it be known, I am a believer, I do pray for answers and guidance, and yes I do pray for my family.
My question is this (especially guys cause I know how some of us girls think) if the wife came down with an STD after 4-5 years of marriage and then the husband came down with one after 15-16 years of marriage and both maintain their innocence how would you feel? would it still bother you after all this time? I think on it more on some days than others, but I do think about it. And wonder how? I have brought it up and have gotton no hard answers from my husband. He just says I don't know, but I do know I haven't ever cheated. So if both never (And I know that I have not ever gone outside the marriage) cheated is it fair to say that the guy would wonder too just like myself how this happened and want answers instead of never bringing it up?
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/19/2010 7:42:28 AM
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heremainsfaithful
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From: Alabama
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I would want answers. And honestly, it would be hard for me to believe my H if I sudden;y got an STD and I knew I hadn't strayed. But I do know that there are other rare ways to get things. There are also a couple of female infections that can be passed to men as STD's - I can't remember what they are.
I would probably have both my H and myself get complete physicals with testing, have some very open but safe conversations, and then try to pray, support each other, set up protections and transparency for the marriage, and then leave it and go on. But I am not an expert. Well, I have been through some of the pain of infidelity, but I don't want to violate TOS by sharing anything personal. If you are a woman you can PM me if you want to know more.
_____________________________
Jer. 29:11, II Tim. 2:13, Jude 24, 25
https://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/bookdisplay.aspx?bookid=58896
Eihstein's IQ may be higher than mine, but God's IQ is higher than anyone's.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/19/2010 9:12:49 AM
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cbath5
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After the second time I was tested and was told everything came back negative. I contacted Center for Disease control because I thought that just maybe it was something that carried over from BEFORE we got married and was told it was possible but highly unlikely especially if one had it and was treated and that it was a reccomendation that all pregnant women be tested before giving birth so in their opinion if I had it before it would have been caught.
I have been praying and am no longer angry but my husband wishes I would trust him more and I am trying but because of the circumstances and the factual information I have recieved and the fact he does not seem really concerned about how these things (STD)could have affected me and then him, it makes me wonder.
That's why I wanted to hear from guys as to how they would react or feel if in this same situation. Is it that guys in general really wouldn't care or have to know how they or their spouse got it? Do they have the just fix and get on with it mentality, whereas women are more inquizitive?
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/19/2010 9:37:26 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1651
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well first of all many things are not treatable...and they do lay dormant for years...so I guess the first step would be go to the dr. with your spouse and make sure you are getting all the medical facts possible. It's a little embarrassing to think we may not know all we need to know about such things, but it's so important to push that aside and seek professional advice anyhow.
After talking to the dr. and my spouse I may or may not still have questions. I suppose it would be normal to wonder about such things wouldn't it? Yes, it would be easier to just see what we can do to fix it and forget it...but sometimes there is no fix.
My response would be for us to pray about it together, ask God to help us not place blame, and do what we need to do to move forward with wisdom.
This may sound cliche, but asking God for wisdom is one of the best steps to take. Only He knows both hearts, mind, and soul...and knows how to help you minister to each other.
Plus I think you have to approach all this as a team...I wouldn't want my wife going to the dr. alone, getting information while I stayed in the dark...or keeping all her concerns locked inside.
As the head of my marriage(after God of course) I feel it is my responsibility to step forward and open the door of communication. I also need to lead the way in building trust and showing her she is a woman of great worth. Knowing how my spouse got such a disease would not be my priority...knowing she is letting me help her deal with it all matters more.
A big part of God's plan for marriage is the two of us helping each other in all we face each day.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/19/2010 3:52:11 PM
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Scottinla57
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As a guy who has dated and married later in life I have had to accept that most women my age have been married and thus not virgins.
However I am a little confused about your question, are you saying you have been married for 21 years, been faithful to each other, and a STD just popped up?
I'm not a doctor and don't know all the facts about these things but that does seem odd.
_____________________________
Keep deception and lies far from me, Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion, That I not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the LORD?" Or that I not be in want and steal, And profane the name of my God.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/19/2010 5:04:03 PM
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Hislittleone
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I would go with my spouse to have a long, detailed talk with my doctor. It depends on what kind of relationship you have with your spouse as to whether or not you should suspect infidelity. Do you find him to be completely trustworthy? Does he have a history of lying or sexually deviant behavior (like using porn, flirting with other women etc.)?
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 7:29:31 AM
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cbath5
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To be clear...yes we have been married for 21 years this year. And yes supposedly we have both been faithful. (I can say that I have without a blink) And no there has been no real reason to suspect he has been physically unfaithful. I did have my suspisions about 5-6 years ago and he denied them when questioned. Several months later while my husband was showering his phone rang and I thought nothing of it and answered it. It turned out to be the boyfriend of the one I had questioned him about earlier even though I never mentioned her name in our conversation then. I was told (by the OW boyfriend) that they were having an affair (which my husband denies to this day) and gave me much detail about conversations, places, events. My husband said he knows it looks bad, but yes he met her for lunch and gave her grcery money and changed her locks on her door and they talked on the phone but he swears nothing pyhsical happened. I wouldn't have such a hard time believing him if he would have been upfront early on when I confronted him. Now I look back and wonder about how 4-5 years into our marriage could I have contracted "trich" and then 15-16 years into to it he contracted "clap".
Thats my trust issue. He doesn't seem as concered as I about how this cameinto our marriage and was wondering if guys just are not bothered by stuff like this and can just get treated or watch their wifeget treated and then all gone/all better. Now move on and yet don't wonder "how in the world did this happen?"
So is it a quilty guy that would act like this or most guys in general. I dont want to keepbringing up past issues if this is just a guy mentality and I as a woman dont underestand that. But on the other hand IF this is not the normfor most guys, then I am gonna push like heck to get answers so that like him can move on and not mentionit again.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 8:14:33 AM
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nodachi0827
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Good morning cbath5-
I wanted to ask you this but... what does your heart and mind say regarding your husband and honesty? I think as a spouse I would want (and probably anyone else) the truth and deserve the truth... from what I have been told by various medical professionals, it is very difficult to obtain either of these without some form of physical interaction... sigh... which brings back the respect and honesty part... if he loves you, you deserve to know the truth... your health and marriage are on the line... I would want to know for the sake of "letting me make my own decision" versus allowing them to make it for me... would he be open to counseling? also I agree with Hislittleone too... both of you need to be a the doctor's office... if he tries to back out of it, you may have your answer :( I'm sorry but hope and pray all will be well for you...
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 2:48:11 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
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I don't know if other poster's have read the OPs responses, but she has gone to the doctor. She is not wondering whether she has these STDs. What she is asking is this:
1. Why isn't her husband just as curious and disturbed as she is that an STD could just pop up in a monogomous marital relationship? Clear as mud?
She wants to know whether HIS response is typical of men in general or unusual given the circumstance.
I cannot speak for men, but I'd hear warning bells ringing as far as Texas is from Timbuktu. Practical advice would be to get marriage counselling, protect yourself, and seek the Lord. IMHO, Something is afoul here!
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 3:00:21 PM
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buckifn
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Have you went to the dr. and asked specifically if this specific type of disease can be dormant in the body all those years?
If your husband lies about one thing it's no stretch at all to know he would lie about another. Who do you believe the old bf or your husband? (the one you talked to on the phone) If it were all so innocent it seems to me you would have known BEFORE anyone else that he was meeting this person for lunch, changing her locks, giving her money..etc.
I don't think it's acceptable at all for anyone to do that behind their spouse's back.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 3:02:05 PM
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cbath5
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thank you dakotasunbeam. that is it exactly!!!! Do men just not really care in the sense they think its fixed and thats all that matters or would they wonder same as myself?
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 3:27:54 PM
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Scottinla57
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Generally speaking men are not as quick to run to the doctor… I helped set up a show on women’s health and jokingly commented “why don’t we have show on men’s health?” to which a lady replied “because no one would show up.”
Frankly if my wife showed up with a mystery STD after years of marriage claiming to not know how it happened I would be more concerned that she was cheating on me and lying to me about it.
_____________________________
Keep deception and lies far from me, Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion, That I not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the LORD?" Or that I not be in want and steal, And profane the name of my God.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 7:10:20 PM
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cbath5
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To buckfin:
*I had 2 partners before marriage and am aware that i could have brought it into my marriage so was fully prepared to accept respondsibility if that would have been the case but in talking with doctors( only recently. why now/ because these questions have haunted me for all these years).....
*was told that most likely I was tested when I was pregnant because those things can affect the baby
that was in the first year of our marriage if I had it I would have had to be treated. I had no STD.
*(thought maybe he had it then and it laid dormant in him ) was told by several professionals that the likelihood of this (trich)remaining dormant in myself or my husband was highly unlikely and theroretically speaking would have been diagnost at my first pregnancy, but usually sysptoms apear within days or weeks.
* it was 5 years AFTER my 1st pregnancy that I contracted the above "STD"
*during those years I thought it might have been me and noone else. felt dirty and ashamed so I never brought it up or questioned my husband because I was the one with the symptoms. and because at that time I didn't know the above information.
*he developed symptoms 15-16 years later and went to the doctor.I went with him but was not told what it was. Heard the word "clap" never brought it up cause husband became defensive so let it drop but never stopped wondering how? ask him then and he said he thought doc said clap but want sure. asked years later he said maybe it was a urinary tract infection. told himi knew it remember doc called it clap. he said i dont know.
*started doing more research of the symptoms he had and asked my doc, nurse friends and internet as well as center for disease control was told by all it was std related.only website said it could be urinary tract infection but usually those type are caused by std as well.
*want to trust.... want to believe it could be something that happened way before me...evidence points one way...but he maintains his innocence...gets upset if I dont believe...but have no other choice but to go with the evidence at this point...tried to look for proof to backup that it could coincidence and back up my husbands proclaimed innocence...
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 7:55:52 PM
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lightbeamrider
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Lying is no big deal to a man who cheats. If i caught an STD while married and know i was faithful then it would be a deal breaker. The odds are he was unfaithful and not wearing protection to boot. It's probably difficult since you have 20 yrs (?) invested in your marriage but i would suggest u see a lawyer and explore your legal options. Being in love with a person u cannot trust is slice of hell on Earth. He needs to know u mean business. That u are not gullible and you will not put your health in jeopardy anymore. To cheat is one thing but to give your wife the ''clap'' well that is really sleazy.
I'm not a Doctor or a Lawyer but the odds are one does not catch STD's from toilet seats. They do not appear out of the blue. There is cause (unprotected sex with infected partner) and effect. (transmission of disease to innocent wife) That is why it is called SEXUALLY transmitted disease.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 8:04:00 PM
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nodachi0827
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I hate to say it, Cbath5... my dear, it sounds like most of us are assuming something is happening behind your back... at least from most of the posts that it... sigh... I feel for you though... as a man, if my wife called me out on something, I would prove upon a shadow of a doubt my innocence... why be defensive if you didn't do anything... feel me?
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 9:10:56 PM
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relady
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Just checked the CDC site for both diseases mentioned and for both symptoms usually appear no later than 30 DAYS after contracting said disease. Neither one is a disease that can go "dormant". Neither is one that would likely be contracted by any other method than sexual contact of some kind.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 9:33:44 PM
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Memaw.
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Here is information on Gonorrhea, commonly known as the "clap".
What is Gonorrhea?
Gonorrhea, a curable STD commonly called “the clap”, is caused by a bacterium called Neisseria gonorrhoeae. These bacteria can infect the mucous membranes of the genital tract, the mouth, the rectum, the throat (pharyngitis), or the eye (conjunctivitis). It is contracted through oral, vaginal, or anal sex. After spreading into the uterus and fallopian tubes, gonorrhea can result in pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), causing ectopic pregnancy and infertility in as many as 10 of infected women.
Those between the ages of 15 to 29 years make up approximately 75 percent of all reported cases of gonorrhea found in the United States. Pregnant women risk spreading gonorrhea to their newborn infants during delivery causing eye infections (conjunctivitis) or pneumonia.
If a person has been treated and cured of gonorrhea, they can be reinfected if they are exposed to it again. The risk of getting HIV infection (the virus that causes AIDS) increases with gonorrhea. Many patients with gonorrhea also are infected with chlamydia.
Symptoms
Women can unknowingly transmit it to their sexual partners because this infection often causes no symptoms and can often go undiagnosed. Symptoms usually appear within 2 to 10 days after sexual contact with an infected partner, but may go undetected for several months. Women may have a bloody or yellow vaginal discharge and/or painful or burning sensations when urinating. More advanced symptoms include cramps and pain, bleeding between menstrual periods, vomiting, or fever, which can indicate the infection has progressed to PID.
Men have symptoms more often than women. They may experience symptoms of urethritis, burning during urination (may be severe), and penile discharge.
Gonorrhea can also infect and the rectum (proctitis). Though asymptomatic in 90% of cases, symptoms for Proctitis are diarrhea, anal itching, anal discharge, and occasional painful bowel movements with fresh blood on the feces.
If you have contracted gonorrhea, all of your sexual partners should get tested, whether they have symptoms or not, so they can obtain treatment if necessary.
Treatment
Left untreated, gonorrhea infections can spread up into the reproductive tract, or more rarely, can spread through the blood stream and infect the joints, heart valves, or the brain. More commonly, women can develop PID, which could cause infertility or an ectopic pregnancy. This serious complication may result in a miscarriage and can cause the death of the mother.
Doctors usually prescribe a single dose of an antibiotic to treat gonorrhea. Among the antibiotics are: cefixime, ceftriaxone, ciprofloxacin, ofloxacin, and levofloxacin. Ciprofloxacin or ofloxacin should not be taken by pregnant or younger than 18. Doctors usually prescribe a combination of antibiotics, such as ceftriaxone and doxycycline or azithromycin, because chlamydia often infects people at the same time and the combination will treat both diseases.
Here is information on Trichomoniasis - CDC Fact Sheet
Trichomoniasis - CDC Fact Sheet
Most men with trichomoniasis do not have signs or symptoms; however, some men may temporarily have an irritation inside the penis, mild discharge, or slight burning after urination or ejaculation.
Some women have signs or symptoms of infection which include a frothy, yellow-green vaginal discharge with a strong odor. The infection also may cause discomfort during intercourse and urination, as well as irritation and itching of the female genital area. In rare cases, lower abdominal pain can occur. Symptoms usually appear in women within 5 to 28 days of exposure.
The parasite is sexually transmitted through penis-to-vagina intercourse or vulva-to-vulva (the genital area outside the vagina) contact with an infected partner.
I am showing you these so you know that both of these STDs' can only be transmitted through sexual encounters.
I suggest you do a lot of praying, then present the information about these STDs' to your husband.
I think you KNOW what is really going on, but you don't want to accept it and that is totally understandable.
However, he has put you at risk and you must make him accountable for that.
_____________________________
~Kim
Everything can change in a blink of an eye. But don't worry: God never blinks.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 10:29:29 PM
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Hislittleone
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Since the doctor told you it is HIHGLY unlikely for those diseases to lie dormant for years I think you really need to consider that your husband has probably been unfaithful. You have diseases that you got from him (you haven't been with anyone else so he's the only possible culprit), he lied to you, and you were told that he was having an affair. Those are some big red flags that something is desperately wrong. If I were you, I wouldn't believe him.
And as a male poster stated, why would he be defensive if he is really innocent?
ETA: Ditto what Memaw said.....
quote:
I think you KNOW what is really going on, but you don't want to accept it and that is totally understandable.
However, he has put you at risk and you must make him accountable for that.
Plus if you keep on going this way you may end up getting a disease that will kill you.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/20/2010 10:38:19 PM
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jaimestarcross
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I'm really surprised you are still with him... after 2 STD's came into the marriage.
< Message edited by jaimestarcross -- 2/20/2010 10:49:26 PM >
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/22/2010 11:40:02 AM
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laura...
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I know that you want to believe the best about your husband but there is only one way that those 2 bouts of STDs came into your marriage. Your husband had sex outside the marriage.
quote:
That's why I wanted to hear from guys as to how they would react or feel if in this same situation. Is it that guys in general really wouldn't care or have to know how they or their spouse got it? Do they have the just fix and get on with it mentality, whereas women are more inquizitive?
I'm not a guy but I know that faithful husbands react very badly when their wife turns up with an STD and they would definitely want to know how their wife got it and who they got it from. The only reason a husband would not care or need to know where it came from is if he already knows where it came from...him.
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/22/2010 11:51:17 AM
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buckifn
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Maybe having him take a lie detector test would help? Personally though, based on all the postings here, I think you have the answer already and it is hard for you to accept.
None of us wants to believe our spouse is a liar and a cheater. I am sure it would take some time to digest that information.
I encourage you to pray and seek a professional counselor to help you sort through this..it would be awesome if your husband would go to counseling with you, but if he won't, I urge you to go for your own well being.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/22/2010 1:34:31 PM
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Coffee_Drinker
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cbath5
My question is this (especially guys cause I know how some of us girls think) if the wife came down with an STD after 4-5 years of marriage and then the husband came down with one after 15-16 years of marriage and both maintain their innocence how would you feel? would it still bother you after all this time? I think on it more on some days than others, but I do think about it. And wonder how? I have brought it up and have gotton no hard answers from my husband. He just says I don't know, but I do know I haven't ever cheated. So if both never (And I know that I have not ever gone outside the marriage) cheated is it fair to say that the guy would wonder too just like myself how this happened and want answers instead of never bringing it up?
It would bother me. I would expect it to bother my wife too. I'm not an MD, but I only know of one way for an STD to be transmitted. Not to make things any more difficult, but answers to this dilemma would probably be the right path to pursue. Some STD's are incurable or are extremely difficult to cure.
This is only my opinion, but when it comes to your own personal health - take it seriously.
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RE: Your thoughts about STD'S after marriage - 2/22/2010 2:32:03 PM
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jn1010lf
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Hello cbath5
I would be shocked to learn than one or both wasn't playing around a lot during all their years of marriage.
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